hank (hank) wrote,
hank
hank

I have a stalker.

Every year, around about the 4th of July, I write a letter to the University of Houston Alumni Association, requesting that they leave me alone. So far, they have ignored this request for 27 years.

This year, I thought I would make fun of them publicly, so I am posting this yearly letter here online. Most of the letter is below the cut.

This is what I sent to the University of Houston Alumni Association:
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Dear Scum-sucking spammers:

I've spent many, many years writing you idiots to tell you to remove me from ALL your mailing lists, of any kind, without ever making any discernible impression.

I now do so once every year, just after my birthday. I don't expect anything to change, but it's become a tradition for me.

I am doing something new this year, though. I am posting this letter in its entirety on my LiveJournal page, in the hope that this will bring you and your rude practices into at least a little public light. I know that reason and manners do not sway you folks, so I think it's about time I give myself over to making fun of you, as publicly as possible. I want someone to be able to do a search on "University of Houston Alumni Association twits" and come directly to me.

I have never, not even once, told you folks where I live. I have never, not even once, supplied you with an email address to contact me.

And yet every time I've moved for the last 27 years, a few weeks later you know my new address. I report your emails as spam; you continue to send them. I unsubscribe from your lists; it makes no difference to you.

Didn't you get a clue when I shredded up your physical mailings-except for my name and address, so you'd know precisely who was doing this-and sent them back to you in your self-addressed envelopes, generally with a scrawled message that ranged somewhere between "go away and leave me alone" and "please bugger off?"

Wasn't there anyone who could read at your offices when any of my (very many!) letters came, asking you to not bother me?

Haven't you figured out that if I have never given you a dime in the 27 years since I left the UH, that continued corporate stalking on your part was not going to make me feel any more kindly to you sleazy so-and-so's?

I receive very few physical mailings from you these days. Evidently my campaign of using your mailing resources to throw your trash back at you had at least that effect.

But I note that you are trying to make up for that by increasing the email I receive from you. I make a point of reporting your email to me as spam to everyone I can. Even the company you hired to help distribute your appeals for support have been helpful and reasonable when I let them know how thoroughly I did NOT want to be receiving them.

Then, too, contacts from the Alumni association have such wonderful associations for me. In 1980, when I was so broke I was living on a friend's couch and eating only every other day, and I had to leave the University of Houston because of it, the letter from your financial aid department that explained why I wasn't really in any financial need and so the U wouldn't help came with the first contact card I ever received from the Alumni Association, asking me for money.

If there is anyone in your office capable of reading, let me state that I will NEVER give you a dime, under any circumstance.

If there is anyone in your organization capable of thought, reflect on the lack of return you're getting on the effort it must take to keep tracking me down, and of how silly you're going to seem having spent literally years besieging an ex-student who wants nothing to do with you.

With a sincere wish that you will take a hint and go away,

Hank Graham
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